FIREBLIND.COM

I swear to allah, by the amount of religious vitriol pouring out against gay marriage in California you would think gays were going around legally punching little kids in the face and then sodomizing them for good measure, all to spite Jesus and his Jesus-loving dinosaurs.

I don’t know that I would put the fight for gay marriage on the same level as I would black civil rights from a generation ago, but the comparison between the two is obvious, if for nothing else than the raw hate that some people are putting forth. I’m reminded of a section in To Kill a Mockingbird where young Scout wonders how her teacher can cry over the persecution of the Jews by Hitler, and yet get frothing-at-the-mouth mad when a black person asks for a little more out of life beyond a crappy shack and second-rate food for their kids. I know very few Christians who are this way about gay marriage, but the protesters I’ve heard are not sad for these gays; they’re out there to settle a score that comes from a place of pure hate. Rather than cry for their souls, you can tell they get cruel satisfaction from shouting “you’ll burn in hell” at people. This is not unlike the visceral hate blacks put up with during the civil rights movement (and still put up with in many parts of the US). It is not Christian love; it is malice, pure and simple. It was for blacks, and it is for gays.

It seems to me that if god exists, he can probably take care of himself. He doesn’t need John Q. Redneck painting up some glitter signs and standing outside a courthouse making gays feel like physical harm is coming their way. Do they really think Jesus is standing up in Heaven saying things like “hell yeah, did you see Steve sucker punch that stupid fag in the face when he wasn’t looking? Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to tie some gay kid to a fence and just beat the crap out of him.”

Seriously people, god can take care of himself. If gay people want to get married and suffer a life of monotonous monogamy and tax liabilities, how does it really affect you? If god rains vengeance upon the US and you and your family die as a result, aren’t you on your way to Heaven anyways? I honestly don’t see how you lose in this deal, so stop acting like someone has insulted you personally for a minute, and learn some of the humility Jesus wanted you to have. Let god be insulted if god wants to be insulted. He created the universe; I’m sure he can deal with a little buttsecks.

P.S. Dear gay men: I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but I would encourage you to put away the hot pants and the glitter and the makeup and the fairy-ass rainbow floats and parades until after the vote in November. It’s your right to do this if you want, but I honestly believe if most gay men acted like straight men you wouldn’t be in this mess. That is, it’s not homosexuality per se that people are reacting to, it’s the fact that you have so blown up what it is to be an American man that really rubs people the wrong way. I could be wrong, but having lathered up men in leather dancing around in public probably won’t help the amendment vote.

I received this in an e-mail today:

What Happens in Heaven

This is one of the nicest mails I have seen and is so true:
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, “This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.”
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, “This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them.”

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station.
To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. “This is the Aknowledgment Section,” my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed “How is it that? There’s no work going on here?” I asked.

“So sad,” the angel sighed. “After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.

“How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?” I asked.

“Simple,” the angel answered. “Just say, “Thank you, Lord.”
“What blessings should they acknowledge?” I asked.

“If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. “If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

“And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.”

Also …..

“If you woke up this morning with more health than illness …. you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.

“If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation .. you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.

“If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.

“If your parents are still alive and still married .. you are very rare.

If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you’re unique to all those in doubt and despair.”

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Attn: Acknowledge Dept.: Thank You Lord! “Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with”.

First off, I love how the original author of this says that it’s “so true.” Which part, exactly, is true? Angels printing prayers on parchment or angels packing prayer answers into boxes for distribution? *sigh*

It is unfathomable to me how daft people are that send this stuff around. Aren’t they missing the incredibly glaring problem with this? Besides the stupid bright blue uniforms the angels are probably wearing, the fact that the “acknowledgement” angel lists all of those hardships points to the fact that god is apparently stamping a bunch of those requests with a big “DENIED” stamp.

The angel should have taken them to the pain and suffering room, where little starving children’s prayers for some food are printed out and put up on the cork board and drawn on with fake mustaches and goatees. Or, what about the angel break room, where the angels bitch about child support and the genital itch they got after going to that sweet high school party in their ‘75 Corvette?

In all seriousness: if “answered” prayers are proof that god loves you and is out there listening, unanswered prayers should legitimately be considered as evidence against the existence of a benevolent god. If, at some point the answered prayers outnumber the unanswered prayers, then cool, I’ll let you have your proof. What the above e-mail demonstrates, however, is that this supposed benevolent god put those poor and suffering people in the lives they have, and he has the power to alleviate their suffering. Rather than doing so, he has some pussy “acknowledgement” angel sitting in a room by himself listing off all the reasons god sucks (”you’re lucky, you don’t have crippling diseases LOL”).

For reals people: either god is capricious and arbitrary, or there is no god. The illusion of some benevolent grandfather resting on a cloud and shooting down material goods has got to embarrass you by now.

If you’ve regularly followed this website (and I hope, for everyone’s sake, that there’s not more than like 3 of you), you know that I don’t talk about politics much in a direct sense. I seldom use the words “Republican” or “Democrat.” I prefer to talk about politics from a more indirect, moralistic point of view. When it actually does come to voting and supporting politicians, I vote my conscience. If a Republican is the better man or woman, I vote for them. Likewise if it’s a Democrat. I usually prefer third-party candidates, but I’m pragmatic and know that I’m pretty much throwing a vote away. I voted for Bush in 2000, and had illness not kept me away, I would have voted for Kerry in 2004. I tend to lean left, but that doesn’t mean I don’t keep an open mind.

So yeah, I don’t talk about politics much here. Nevertheless, I feel that it’s time to take on the Republicans a bit. For some reason, I have this vision of Americans as being loyal to parties, but more loyal to an American ideal of honesty and integrity. A man’s words and deeds are supposed to be his handshake, and a real man sticks by his handshake. It shouldn’t matter whether he’s from one party or the next, if we elected him, he owes us. Moreover, if someone from the same party as you dicks you over, it should be a bigger insult than if the other guy does something you don’t like.

I understand that there are significant struggles and trends at play in what happens in our government, so you can’t just blame George Bush for all the failures, but it seems like the Republicans, headed by Bush, have been doing a lot of failing the last few years. The national debt is through the roof, the Iraq War was based on lies and has been a disaster, civil liberties are a freaking mess, the economy is in the toilet, our international reputation was in the toilet but has been scooped out and used as part of a disgusting Internet video, and the dollar bill is worth less than a night with Paris Hilton (which used to be the other way around).

I personally care most about the civil liberties, but the other stuff sucks pretty bad too. Alas, that’s besides the point. The point is that what I’ve stated above is public record and well known. These are facts, and they’re reflections on the jobs our elected officials are doing. It’s not about being Republican or Democrat, it’s about asking our leaders to stop screwing around with our lives and futures and to do what we goddamned elected them to do.

The fact of the matter is, George Bush has been bad for our country. I’m not asking you to vote Democrat if you’re a staunch Republican, but you should at least have the balls to write your members of congress and ask them to stand up to Bush for once, and to stop being his lap dogs for secrecy and abuse. He’s your guy, and he’s screwed you over just as bad as he’s screwed over everyone else.

By the way, did you know that articles of impeachment were brought against Bush yesterday? It was more of a stunt than an actual attempt, but you’d think something like that might get more coverage than it did. So much for our media looking out for us. I don’t care how you feel about Bush, stuff like this matters and should be front and center in the public debate.

I had to go visit one of our stores today. On the route between my home and the store is a very large cemetery, and as you approach and pass said cemetery, there are probably half a dozen ads encouraging you to think about your “final plans.” Have you ever noticed that these billboards (and the commercials on TV) look like an old person’s version of herpes ads? I swear to Pedro, it always looks like the old people are just about to walk away and do it in the butt, they’re so in love with life.

Anyways…as i took my eyes off the road and daydreamed about anal sex with senior citizens, it occurred to me that the cemetery might drum up more business if they also targeted parents of stupid young people. Like so:

No, that’s not a real sign, yes, I ’shopped it, yes, that guy is drinking from 4 glasses of beer, and no, I will not date your single grandmother.

Link of the day: BBC Report uncovers billions in stolen and misappropriated Iraq spending.

I flew first class to Denver a week ago, which was a great experience. I’m going to San Francisco in a few weeks and am flying economy, which will not be a great experience.

While buying the tickets, United offered me an extra 5 inches of leg room for $19 each way. I passed, but not before considering what other upgrades I might go for.

As I was picking out my seats, I wondered what terrible neighbors I might have. Would it be the 400 pound guy that didn’t buy two seats for himself? Or, might it be the foreign grandfather with stanky-ass breath? It occurred to me that I would probably pay extra to have stats about the other people on the plane that had already booked. Would I rather sit next to a young female, or a single old guy that keeps “accidentally” bumping his leg into mine?

So I says to my brother I says, “brother, I would pay $20 to be able to see basic information about my other fellow travelers. I might even consider paying $50 if I could get a picture and more information.” Or, what if passengers could link to their myspace.com pages or something? Flying would be a much more rewarding experience if you could pick and avoid your neighbors. In any event, here’s a crappy version of what the ticket selection process might look like:

You saw it here first. If the airlines roll this out, expect to be called as a witness in my lawsuit.

Edit, 2008-06-11: I realize after the fact that such a tool could be used against people by creeps. For example, maybe a pedophile would look for tickets belonging to children. So, maybe the airlines automatically block seats held by children. And, if you don’t want people to know about you, you block your information from being shared when you buy your ticket. But, as an enticement to share, maybe the airline takes $10 off your ticket if you’re willing to share your info, assuming you’re not buying a seat that no one can sit next to (e.g. the seats next to it are already taken).

I wonder if I can patent this jazz?