FIREBLIND.COM

Since my last attempt was so successful, I decided to try my hand at another play (pretty much stolen from The Most Dangerous Game). This one is meant to highlight the strange Christian notion that despite a completely unfair set of handicaps and unending torment if we choose wrong, god loves us. It’s a bit long, but I give the performance of my career, so I think you should read it all.

The part of Tom Selleck will be played by god, Jonathan Winters will play Tom Selleck’s manservant Ivan, and the part of the kidnapped homeless guy Steve will be played by me, a crazy homeless guy.

Scene opens with Steve asleep on a bed, bloodied up a bit. He slowly wakes up as though drunk, and looks around at his surroundings. Ivan is standing over him.
	Hello? Who are you? Where am I?
	That will be explained to you later. Please get dressed and join us for dinner.
Steve gets dressed and the curtains close. The curtains open again to see Steve seated at a long table in a luxurious dining hall across from Ivan. Tom Selleck enters the room in full military dress, looking quite elegant.
	Hello Steve. I hope you are doing well tonight. I know that you are tired and homeless and your weener often hurts. Would you like to live here in my mansion with me? Everything you could ever want is yours, including weener medicine.
	Sure, that’d be grand. But, what’s the catch?
	Well, I need to make sure you’re the right kind of fellow to live here. You see, I love my fellow man. I want him to be happy and to be free of pain and suffering and to live here forever. However, just because, I want to measure your character before I let you in. Therefore, I propose a game.
	Ivan claps, excited at the prospect of a game. He likes games, especially Hungry Hungry Hippo.
	In my back yard is a large forest. I propose that you run around it, and if I’m able to shoot you and capture you within 24 hours, I’ll let Ivan hold you over a roaring flame and poke your weener with a warm hanger that he might also use to roast marshmallows on. Forever.
	I thought you said you loved your fellow man? What kind of game is this? I want to leave. I didn’t ask to be put into this situation.
	Ah, but you’re missing the big picture. If you win, and can avoid me for 24 hours, you can live here until you die, along with all the other people that I let live here for free without having to go through the same thing as you. I call them my angels, and they live upstairs. They’re pretty stoked to be here, because they don’t have to play the game.
Steve thinks about this. His cardboard box does pretty much suck, but he’s never been a fan of marshmallows. He proceeds cautiously.
	So it’s just you and me, and if I can hide for 24 hours, I get to live here forever?
	Yep, that’s how much I love you. Oh…actually, there is one more thing. The last guy who was here peed all over himself, and ruined some of the upholstery. Oh, what was his name? Adam? I can’t really remember. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter. I’m still pretty steamed about it, so I think I’m going to stab you in the leg to make it harder for you to hide from me.
Tom Selleck stabs Steve in the leg with a large knife.
	Ow! I didn’t pee on your chairs. Why’d you stab me?
	Well, I know you didn’t, but the other guy kinda looked like you, and now I feel like I should punish everyone else who decides to play my game.
	But I didn’t decide to play your game, and now you make it harder for me to win because some other guy before me messed up your stuff? I thought you loved me?
	I do love you, and that’s why there are no more catches. Oh wait, except there is one more catch. Ivan is going to take my dog Lucifer out into the forest after you, and they’re going to harass you and make it harder for you to hide. But beyond that, it’s pretty much fair and square between us. All you have to do is choose to survive for a day, and you’re in, my boy. You’re in! How great is that? Can’t you see that I really do love my fellow man?
Steve may be a crazy homeless guy, but he still has some sense of logic.
	So, what you’re telling me is this: you brought me into this game because you love me. But, because some other guy messed up his Huggies, you stab me in the leg to make it harder for me to win? And, in addition, you are going to let another guy enter the game with the full intention of making it harder for me to win? I’ve already been stabbed; can’t you at least keep Ivan and Lucifer out of the game?
	Sorry mate, I can’t do that. I need you to demonstrate to me that you don’t want to choose Ivan and the blood-thirsty Lucifer. Maybe you’d like to live with them instead, and let them poke you in the weener with a red-hot hanger.
	Steve looks around for help, but finds none. Nervously, he says, I choose you though! Can’t we just abort the game now and I can just live here with you and not have to go hurt myself in the bushes?
	Sorry friend. Even though an abortion of the game would allow you to live with me sooner, I really did go to all this trouble to bring you into my world without you asking me, and I think it’s only right that you should have to run around in the wilderness for a day with your crippled leg and Ivan and Lucifer chasing you. Remember though: I love you, and I want you to make it back here so we can live together with my angels in happiness and free of weener pain. So be a good sport and run along, ok?
Steve tries desperately one last time.
	Wait! It’s not like this is McDonald’s and I came by after hours and demanded to be let in to eat some tasty McGriddles. You brought me to this, punished me for some other guy’s mistake, and have let your manservant and his dog Lucifer chase me down. How is it my fault if you are able to catch me and shoot me, and then let Ivan torture me?
	Quite simple, my boy. I created all of this, so it’s my rules, which are all very fair. And even though a guy who looked like you peed all over my chair, I’m going to let you live with me if only you and your crippled leg can survive my harsh forest and Lucifer chasing you. It’s all very fair, and wouldn’t be otherwise, as I love you very, very much. Nevermind that I brought you here and didn’t ask you if you wanted to play. That’s just the kind of guy I am. I’m gracious like that.
	He loves you Steve, and don’t you forget it, or I get to torture you for the rest of your natural life.

fin