A Full-Term Pregnancy is like Spitting on your Child
A friend of mine put up a website a couple of months ago with a pretty active forum. A lot of talk was going on about the concept of free will, so I started a thread on Christianity’s concept of free will and how it pertains to children and the mentally incapacitated. Feel free to check it out here.
My basic premise is that we don’t have free will, and that we’re essentially biological machines operating on autopilot. I argue that the idea of a soul has no merit.
The more I think about it, the more screwed up the concept of free will becomes in the context of religion, Christianity in particular. Although a lot of American Christians do believe in predestination to at least a small extent, most don’t. Their idea is that we have a soul, and that soul has free will to sin, to choose god, and so on. There are certain conditions, like children and the mentally incapacitated, where the free will rules don’t apply.
Let’s think about all of this for a second. You go to a wedding because your stupid friend is marrying someone he shouldn’t, and you have the amazingly good fortune of meeting the hottest—and apparently dumbest—bridesmaid there. You guys dance and even though you swear you’re not gay, you set the floor on fire with your enthusiastic version of the chicken dance. A couple more hours of open bar and you two are riding the no condom train to 3-minutes of pleasure town (I’d be like 2 hours though, because I’m obviously such a stud). Even though she swore she was on the pill, you’re an expectant father by 2 a.m. Congrats. Your ugly horse baby is on its way.
God, sitting up in the clouds, notices that you’ve magically placed an order for a soul and whips one up to come down and inhabit your new fertilized egg. Since Christians feel that the point of this life is to demonstrate our character to god so that he’ll let us into heaven later, we can say that god has just created a soul merely to test it. And, since Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden around 5,700 years ago, your kid is automatically a sinner without ever having had a chance to utter his first swear word (I vote for “boobies” when he does).
So, before your kid is even an hour old we’ve had two problems with free will: we’ve forced god into making a soul, and your kid is a sinner without ever having sinned himself.
Three things can basically happen with the pregnancy. First, it can fail on its own, in which case god made a soul, let it incubate in your dumb girlfriend’s womb for 4 months, and then decided to kill its body and take it up to heaven. Second, you can get an abortion, in which case you killed the baby and it still gets a free ride to heaven. Third, you can have the kid.
If your kid survives the pregnancy, he will either be born retarded or normal. If he’s retarded, he gets a free pass to heaven. If he’s normal, so long as he dies before the so-called age of accountability (which doesn’t actually exist in the Bible), he gets a free pass to heaven. But, if he’s normal and lives too long and then doesn’t accept god, he’ll go to hell.
In short, I’m not sure why the hell anyone would actually want to survive into maturity. Isn’t it better to die as a kid so that you can go to heaven? If the purpose of life is to test the soul to see if it’s worthy to get into heaven, why give kids and the Corkies of the world a free pass? Why even have something called childhood? Why doesn’t god just magically create souls in a coliseum and make them run laps or something to see if they’re good enough for heaven? It seems like he’s just wasting time cooking up kids, inserting souls into them, and then snuffing them out just to take the soul back up to heaven.
Does the retarded kid have a soul? If so, is his soul too retarded to be able to figure out good and evil? I used to work with disabled kids, and the ones with Down Syndrome were always rubbing on stuff. If being retarded means I get to rub my junk on everything and I still get to go to heaven, I’m not sure how retardation is a bad thing.
The logical conclusion of the free pass for kids quite literally is that it’s moral to murder children. It sounds like I’m just trying to be argumentative, but I’m not. If there really is a god and he’s all pissed that I write this blog, wouldn’t I have been far better off if my parents had aborted me or had driven me into a lake or something when I was a kid? They could have asked for forgiveness and had their sins forgiven. Meanwhile, I could be kicking Mother Theresa’s ass in limbo up on a cloud somewhere. Instead, I live to be an adult, watch too many episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and now I’m the one who gets to go to hell. I’m the one who gets a butt full of flaming hot coals, all because Adam and Eve ate a stupid apple that a stupid talking snake offered to them and because my parents didn’t love me enough to abort me. Thanks a lot mom and dad. Jerks.
Seriously, how is abortion a bad thing? It’s a free ticket to eternal bliss, and there’s no risk of ever having to experience starvation, thirst, genocide, drug abuse, depression, or freaking progeria. Why would we want to solve birth defects that result in mental retardation? Wear a helmet and a diaper as an adult and you and your retarded soul also get into heaven. None of it makes a lick of sense. We should be praying for failed pregnancies. We should be encouraging mothers to drink and smoke and snort their lunches. Muslims should be totally stoked when the Jews kill one of their kids. Instead they get all like “kill the infidels” or “may Allah’s sweaty balls rub on your Jew face”.
In conclusion, if you love your kids, you should abort them. Or maybe do copious amounts of pot while you’re pregnant. Anything less means you want them to go to hell. Ass.
