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So, did you hear the one about the polar bear, the rabbi, and the Chinese guy that walk into a bar? Yeah, me either. I don’t think there is one like that. But, that’s besides the point. You know what else is besides the point? What the heck is a “one”? Why don’t we say “did you hear the joke…? ” Or for that matter, why the hell is “one” pronounced “wun”? Stupid English.

You know what’s not stupid? Polar bears. You’ve probably heard about this already, as I’m pretty much yesterday’s news, but there’s been a lot of fuss lately over whether to put polar bears on the path to being recognized as an endangered species. In a nutshell, here’s the deal: global warming (whether man made or not) seems to be prematurely melting large swaths of ice where the bears live, depriving said bears of hunting grounds, places to lay their eggs, and so on. So, rather than chilling on big pieces of ice, the polar bears have to float around on comically small blocks of ice where they basically starve to death. Their numbers are expected to decline precipitously in the coming decades if trends continue, so the thought is that we can put them on some list which gives them protection somehow.

I didn’t know this until about 10 minutes ago, but apparently polar bears are still hunted, with the US being the largest destination of bear pelts. I’m guessing the penises go to Asia, as Asians will turn any penis into a soup. As you can guess, the powerful bear penis lobby has those fat cats in Washington wrapped around their little fingers, so any attempt to put the bears on a protected list naturally rubs up against some stiff opposition. Also, penis.

In all seriousness, people who benefit from the hunting of polar bears are concerned about what a protected status would do to their livelihoods (this is primarily a problem with native tribes). In addition, since the die off is being caused by climate change, it’s not inconceivable that businesses that contribute to global warming (i.e. “everyone”) or which have commercial operations in areas where bears live could find themselves inundated with lawsuits blaming them for bear deaths.

I’m a veteran of at least several world wars, so as you can imagine, I’m a big fan of polar bears. Accordingly, I make sure my carbon emissions only kill off ugly animals and plants that no one wants. Like poodles. Or tree sloths. I certify that none of my carbon emissions have been used to kill polar bears. So please don’t sue me.

Now, finally getting to my point: it sucks that we can’t just have a legitimate debate about whether what we’re doing is in fact killing off the bears. It seems like we should ask two questions, and two questions only: are the bears in danger of extinction in the reasonably near future? If so, are we big enough assholes to say that our commercial interests are more important than the continued survival of this bear? I don’t care which way you argue the second question (there’s merit to both a “yes” and “no” answer), but it’s dumb to look at the question from a point of pure self-interest. If we’re killing off the bears and we want the bears to stick around, let’s find a way to protect them. If we like the bears but don’t care if they die, just say so. If drives me nuts that we dance around the issue. Human beings are such pussies.

I encourage you to write your congressman and tell them how you feel on this issue. You’ll probably get a nice form letter back with no real insight or human touch, but at least you’ll make me feel better about ending this blog abruptly because I don’t really know how to end it.

Edit: if you want a legitimate, mature opinion on this, here’s a story by some woman who actually has the training and fancy pants qualifications to write a good article.

In doing homework on the facts behind Zeitgeist (or lack thereof), I came across a lot of Christians saying things like “ZOMG!!11!! Atheists are so stewpid, invisible demons have taken you over and teh antichrist is going 2 eat ur soul, like next week. 666!” Maybe that’s not an exact quote, but if I recall correctly, that’s basically the gist of it.

I’ve long wondered why Christians try so hard to keep evil at bay, or why they are so resistant to the adoption of the mark of the beast. If the world decays into evil, and if we hurry up and pass legislation to shoot our kids up with microchips, doesn’t that mean end times will get here faster? Won’t everyone who makes it through the Tribulation get to fly up to heaven that much sooner? The J-man and his party mobile are waiting for the saved, darnit!

I tell you, if I were Christian I would do two things tomorrow:

1. Call my congressman and tell him that I want anti-Christian legislation passed yesterday! Got a pledge of allegiance? I want god ooooooooooout of it! Money with “In God We Trust”? No way! Trust some other guy!
2. Start giving everyone free abortions. After all, the faster a baby dies, the sooner they get to heaven! This will make god really happy, but also probably really pissed off. Everybody wins!

In short, I would form a group called Christians for Satan and I would hold bake sales and provide free mark of the beast implants for all heathen kids under 12! After all, heralding the return of Christ and casting all the unbelievers into unending torment and anguish should be every Christian’s loving Christian duty.

Link of the day: Order of the Occult Hand

A good friend of mine recently asked me why, if I was an atheist, I spent so much time making fun of religion. Given that I’m terrible at responding to e-mails, I haven’t told him yet. Instead, I’ll waste time writing about it here and then write back to him in a week after I do more pressing things, like organize my safety-pin collection.

At first I thought the answer should be obvious. Atheists make fun of religion because we consider religion to be silly and backwards. As I considered it further, however, I realized that I’m just kind of a jerk. Most atheists I know don’t really ponder the big questions of life all that much. They don’t believe in god, and they’re ok with that. Beyond that, they go to school or work, come home to their family, and fantasize about my wicked safety-pin collection. Existence is just existence, and there’s no reason to think too hard about the whys or hows of the universe.

Actually, I don’t think I’m a jerk. It’s hard to describe, but I feel that my atheism is a mission of morality and liberation. I’ve come to understand it not just as a rejection of the imaginary supernatural, but the rejection of all things superstitious and irrational. My interest in dethroning religion comes from the same place as outrage against racism, bigotry, and oppression of any kind. It’s ridiculous to me that someone can be against the KKK, for example, and yet provide the same kind of baseless evidence to support their own religious beliefs (which are often full of hostility towards other groups).

As another example, what’s the difference between me saying that Western Civilization means that whites are inherently better and me saying that an invisible sky wizard listens to telepathic conversations I have with him and then rearranges the rules of the universe in order to help me pay my rent (even though the next guy to ask the same thing won’t get help paying his rent)? Both of them are based on nothing. The KKK guys are retards with no idea how genetics work and don’t realize that many blacks have closer genetic ties to whites than they do other blacks. Religious people don’t seem to realize that they get the same odds with prayers to god as they do if pray to a gallon of milk.

My atheism wants to raise mankind up. I want every man and woman to be able to shake off the chains of bondage placed upon them by millenniums of corruption, self-interest, and superstition. My atheism tells me that every life on this planet is worth something, and that no amount of prayer, bigotry, or false community will ever help mankind be free of the fear and evil that these same groups and ideologies spread. I make fun of religion because religion deserves to be ridiculed along side groups like the KKK. Education and enlightenment are the salvation of mankind, not the empty promises of ancient tomes written by primitive a-holes who probably couldn’t even see the value of a world class safety-pin collection if it bit them in the goddamned nose!