Miracles are Gross
I’ve been without Internet for a few weeks as a result of a sudden long-distance move I had to make (I think it was about 12 miles). Now that it’s back, I thought I’d start off with a hard-hitting article on toilet plungers and why one in particular has upset me.
The thing that sucks about moving–besides moving–is that you need to buy all sorts of junk all over again. Despite my Amish roots, I’m a big fan of technology and neato gadgets. I like brushed metal soap dispensers, dark wood furniture, and glass. If I’m going to buy some common household item, I want it to be so cool that Martha Stewart would offer herself to me on the spot because of it. And not in a Barefat Contessa kind of way, but in a Rachel Ray kind of way.
When buying anything, therefore, I try and buy whatever has the nicest features or the most interesting design. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, myself and people who might visit my apartment will–from time to time–have to make bears. And because bears and too much toilet paper don’t mix very well, it’s important for the modern man to have a toilet plunger nearby. Nothing is more embarrassing to a chick on roofies who is visiting me than to have to admit that she just plugged my toilet with an hour’s worth of Don Jose’s fine Mexican food.
As you can guess, Martha Stewart isn’t going to jump a man just because he has any ol’ plunger he can find. I dare say she would not!!! That, my friends, is why I purchased the most amazing toilet plunger ever. Actually, the plunger itself is boring. The part that is worthy of Ms. Stewart’s loving embrace is the amazing, space-age, NASA grade plunger base that closes over the plunger to hide it’s shameful self from the rest of the world. The thing is pretty cool.
The reason I’m mad is because this pinnacle of modern achievement has been ruined by some stupid sticker seemingly permanently attached that says “Hands-free holder” on the side of the base. It’s bad enough that my friends know that I poop, it’s even worse that Theo, Rudy, and Vanessa sometimes clog the toilet, but it’s far worse for them to see a tacky sticker on the side of my plunger! Why do companies do this? There is no reason to put a permanent sticker on a product. Give me removable stickers or give me death! Jerks.
I guess I’m not that disappointed. Someday I’ll peel it off and use a dangerous chemical to remove the residue. More importantly, however, was the fact that all of this was kind of a long buildup to me just wanting to say that I find it hilarious that Jesus Christ–if he actually existed–had to wipe his butt with his hand, and would then touch people with it later while performing miracles. I wonder if any sick people asked him NOT to perform miracles on them because they had just seen him squat behind the building next door. He was, after all, in human form. It’s true that he did fly around the earth that one time to make it spin backwards to save Lois Lane, but the son of god did still live in a time before toilet paper.
