So I’ve been wanting to do a photoshoot of a creepy doll. My goal was to find one that was totally trashed, but haven’t as of yet. The one I did find at the Goodwill, pictured above, is probably already infected with ultra mega AIDs or something, so I can only imagine what a really bad one would have. So yeah, I did some test shots, and I think it’s going to turn out ok.
Here’s the funny thing: I’m a grown man. I’ve fought in two world wars AND worked as Starr Jones’s OBGYN. I’m pretty much not afraid of anything. And yet, as I was pulling out this doll’s second eye to try some test shots, I couldn’t help but wonder when it was going to come alive and kill me. I didn’t die last night, so I can only guess that my time is coming up soon. Fortunately, all the knives in my house are probably too big for this one to carry, and I don’t really have any kind of wire hanging around that it could use to strangle me. That means it’ll probably drop a toaster in the bath with me, or perhaps set my bed on fire. Or, maybe it’ll break my neck on some stairs. In any event, I think one thing is clear: my days are numbered.
I did one round of test shots that are really, really creepy, but haven’t been fully developed yet. I don’t want to give it away now, but suffice it to say, this doll is probably royally pissed at me. She’s probably going to kill you too, since you’re my friends and all. If I were you, I’d just kill myself now and save the doll the gas money. After all, WWJD?
What the heck am I talking about? *Sigh* Who knows. Sometimes I’m able to come up with good headlines on my own, and sometimes I have to turn to my team of chimps. I guess tonight neither of us were on. Curses! I just dropped a flashlight on my foot. This post isn’t going well for you, my young friend. I’d turn back now if I were you.
Did you know that the Brits call a flashlight a “torch”?
*Ahem*
So I was reading a letter to various high profile atheists arguing for a kinder, gentler new atheism. While the author was a scientist and an atheist himself, his point was that if the new atheists are too aggressive, they’ll lose in the eventual backlash set forth by the fundies and they’s pitchforks of righteousness. I guess this makes sense. If the human mind is trained to see the world through a certain set of programming, said programming might take offense when you start telling it that it’s stupid. Or, in the case of my crack team of headline chimps, they throw poop at you. Either way, the metaphor is the same: if you try and piss off your nemesis to prove a point rather than trying to win them over in a positive manner, you’re only going to end up with digested corn in your eyeball.
So, when dealing with religious people, it’s important not to attack them as being stupid or as having caught a “virus”. You know, pretty much don’t do everything that I do on this site. Then again, it’s hard not to point out things like human sacrifice in the Bible, or that Allah created the stars as missles, according to the Qur’an.
As is my habit, I’ve lost my train of thought. My life is just sooo fast paced and action packed that it’s hard to keep my mind focused on anything less than a million radical…soft pillows that I bought at Target. Wait a minute! I think what I was trying to say was that if you’re talking to a religious person, don’t describe their belief as “stupid” or ignorant. Rather, tell them that you value their input, and hope that by giving their children better educations, they can piss them off by one day going to college and appearing in a Girls Gone Wild video.
I hate to say it, but you deserve to die. A while back, I wrote about some ambivalence with the death penalty. I’ve decided, however, that if you drive like an unmitigated a-hole on the freeway, I have no ambivalence left for you. Society needs to put you down. Sorry pal, but as Snoopy used to say: them’s the brakes, kid.
I heard a while back that you can actually report dangerous drivers to the DMV, and that the reports go on their record. I wasn’t able to find out how to do that, but I did find this: www.reportdangerousdrivers.com. As usual, I was too lazy to register and see what it’s all about, but maybe I’ll get the plate numbers next time and report your ass. If you do know how to report people to the DMV, let me know. I’d like to make some people’s lives miserable. 
I am serious though: when I become overlord, if you’re on my bad driver list, I’m coming for you. It’s unnecessary to drive like a jerk, seldom gets you anywhere faster, and puts lives in danger. Plus, it makes me want to shoot you, and we all know what happens when I want to shoot people: Pedro saves Christmas for the small town of Atherton. Hooray, Pedro!
So there’s a guy in Georgia who was convicted in 1994 of a sex crime involving a child. He served his time in prison and has been released. Because of the stigma of being a sex offender, the guy has been unable to find a place to live and is presently homeless. But, a new law says that he must register as a sex offender. The funny thing is, the law says that in order to register, you must have a permanent address. If you don’t register, you go to jail for life.
In Catch-22 format:
> Make it incredibly difficult to find a home or a job
> Require people to have a home to register as a sex offender
> If they don’t have a home–because previous legislation made it too hard–put the guy in jail for life.
Now, I’m not one to defend sexual predators who harm children. But, you have to be fair to people who have obeyed the laws that you wrote in the first place. To fix this situation, either: just give life sentences to people who sexually abuse children when they’re first convicted, or let this guy register without a permanent address (put a bloody tracking microchip in him for all I care). Setting a trap for someone so that you can throw them back in jail smacks of double jeopardy and is just plain evil.
By the way, the sex offender registry is a joke. In some areas, you can be put on it for peeing in public or mooning someone. You then have to register as a sex offender for life, and can’t do all the things that really bad sex offenders can’t do, like live within so much distance of a school, day care center, etc. I don’t understand why–if I murder someone, serve my sentence, and am released–I don’t have to go door to door telling everyone that I’m a murderer, but if I so much as show my junk to a 15-year-old I have to do the same. It’s absurd. If you hate people who predate on children, put them away for good. Get rid of the stupid sex offender registry, and figure out reasonable punishment for people who did stupid things involving beer and their genitals and let people get on with their lives.
Pulling this kind of crap on a homeless guy who served his time is something we should expect in a third-world country, not in the US. A legal system without integrity is something to be feared and overthrown.
