Being Homeless is Like Halloween Every Day
I’m convinced that the homeless people in the area where I work (near Disneyland) have conventions of some sort in which they swap tips, trade stories, and develop various protocols that the NAHT (National Association of Hobos and Tramps) general assembly will vote on at a later date. The primary reason I think this true is because it seems like it wasn’t too long ago that most of the home-impaired fellows had signs stating that they would work for food. Nowadays, these don’t exist anymore. All the signs state something about being hungry, having lost a job, needing to pay the rent, having to support a sick husband/wife, etc.
It’s like all the original homeless people got jobs and a new crop of people who apparently have jobs, but who are still poor, have moved in. In my day, if you had to support a sick wife you’d go down to the park and juggle or something. Why, I even remember in the summer of ought-five when a troop of jolly “povs” performed MacBeth for two bits. Ah…that was a grand week.
But I digress (what else is new?)….
So yeah, it’s like all the homeless people got together and decided not to play the “work for food” card anymore and to simply go straight for the heart strings. In six months you’ll probably see guys with those costumes where it looks like a two-by-four has gone through their body and is sticking out both sides, and their signs will probably say something like “need money for surgery to remove two-by-four from my heart. God bless.”
Speaking of homeless people and Halloween, it occurred to me 43 seconds ago that being homeless and begging for money is exactly like adult Halloween, except without all the hot chicks in skimpy costumes and with more sunburn and hunger. Think about it: when you go trick-or-treating, what are you really doing? You’re begging for candy. As an adult, you’re still kinda dressed up and you’re still begging, but now the only difference is that you’re trying not to die. It’s like Halloween and Begging are twin brothers separated at birth and are now rubbing their eyes wondering whether they’re looking in a mirror. You can thank me, Ace McCool, for reuniting them.
(Note that this is NOT the case in the rest of the world, where being homeless is generally a far worse affair than it is in the States. I don’t even think they celebrate Halloween anywhere else!)
I wonder if the people on the corner would get more money if they simply had signs that said “trick or treat” on them. Most people would probably get the joke and might be inclined to give more. If there’s one thing that 24 years with the Celebrity Beat of the Chicago Tribune has taught me, it’s that people like it when you make them laugh in a sort of uncomfortable, please don’t come near my car even though I think your sign is funny kind of way.
Oh, and if any homeless people are reading this while using the free Internet in the library, please remember to close the German scheiße websites when you’re done. K? Thanks.
