FIREBLIND.COM

So I went to Arby’s yesterday for lunch. Or maybe it was Monday. Either way, it doesn’t matter, unless you’re the investigator for my fraudulent back injury claim. If you are the investigator, I went to Arby’s Monday, when I could still walk. If you’re everyone else, I probably went there Tuesday.

But I digress….

Whilst at Arby’s I ordered a roast beef combo. The barely understandable gentleman behind the counter asked me if I wanted curly fries or potato cakes. When I said “just regular fries”, he said “no more regular fries”. I tried to ask him if this was permanent, but he wasn’t able to understand the question. So I grudgingly ordered curly fries and choked them down, thinking longingly of the days me and Regular Fries shared together.

I didn’t find anything on the intertubes about Arby’s getting rid of its regular fries, so maybe this was just a fluke. If it wasn’t, I’ve got to say that this is quite possibly the most outrageous thing I have ever heard in my 48 years of being a food columnist for fireblind.com. How can a company stop offering regular fries? Regular fries are to Americans what STDs are to Paris Hilton: they just go together. Getting rid of regular fries is what communists would do. Do you hear me? Communists! Arby’s might as well fly Vladimir Lenin’s body to headquarters and make him their Chief bloody Executive bloody Officer (bloody).

Now, a saner person might just say that the newly arrived Mexican immigrant employee did a poor job of explaining that they were out of regular fries for the day, but I prefer to think that Arby’s wants to take over the United States and kill your children. Oh, and I heard that they want to give free abortions to school children AND that they want to take god out of the schools. Freaking communists; they’re always trying to gank my stash.

I found this fun little verse (2 Kings 2: 23-25) whilst reading a book today:

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!”

So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Then he went from there to Mount Carmel, and from there he returned to Samaria.

This comes from a 6th-century (BC) story involving the prophet Elisha. By the casual nature of the passage, you would think she-bears mauling young men was an every day occurrence back then. Bloody hell!

No offense god, but this seems a little harsh, don’t you think? Hitler and his minions killed off a couple million Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, and black people, plus Germany and Japan were directly responsible for the loss of another 20 or so million civilians and soldiers during WW2. Where were the she-bears then? They could have at least mauled a couple of German soldiers, eh? Talk about disproportionate!

I hope nothing like this ever happens to me. So long as I don’t set up a political and religious website that mocks contemporary society and all the global religions, including Christianity and Judaism, I should probably be ok. Whew…glad I don’t have that to worry about.

Edit: After reading more on the site I discuss below, I’m having a hard time figuring out whether it’s a real site or not. I’m increasingly thinking that it’s a spoof site, but am not sure….

I like dinosaurs. I like Christians. I LOVE when dinosaurs and Christians come together. To that end, I was hunting for more pictures of Jesus riding dinosaurs, and came across a website called “Objective: Ministries”. The level of blind stupidity found on this website is amazing. One of my favorite sections shows off pictures that children supposedly drew (I am incredibly skeptical of some of them), many involving atheists and/or dinosaurs. Note Jesus’s excellent form while throwing bombs at Atheistville in this dramatic pre-enactment of end times:

Here’s a few more that I find particularly excellent:

The page says that this is a picture of how things “really were” and is titled “Jesus rides to Jerusalem”. If I were Jesus–and I think we both know the answer to that one–I wouldn’t ride a dinosaur to Jerusalem. Maybe Buddha or Muhammad would, but that’s no whip suitable for the J-man.

Here, the power of Jesus takes the “Gay” out of big brother. I really like the purple hot pants.

This one of a t-rex on the ark is my favorite:

Check out more here, here, here, here, here, and here.

The other section of the site that I really enjoyed is a supposed true story about a Christian team that goes in search of dinosaurs still alive today. Below is a priceless excerpt:

This trail was much darker than the previous one and the ground was muddier, as though it had been well trodden. In some places the muddy ground was worn so thin that queerly weathered rock was exposed — rock that perhaps was shaped millennia ago during the Flood. My hunch was that it was an older trail, the darkness due to the regrowth of surrounding vegetation. It seemed to be heading downward, as if into a valley. Secure in my Faith, I plunged down into this valley of darkness, Johnny barely able to keep up. Finally, after rounding a bend, we found them. Below on the side of the trail was Stubbingwicke, hunched behind a branch with his rifle trained on something large further down in the darkness. Although I could see barely more than shadows, I knew what it was and what was happening. He was about to shoot the Apatosaurus!

“Put down that weapon! The power of Christ compels you!” I immediately commanded, the words flowing through me as if from Above. The power of my rebuke startled both him and the Apatosaurus, causing the former to turn toward me and issue a blasphemous curse while the latter disappeared down the trail. Before Stubbingwicke could notice that his prey was escaping, I ran to head him off. Now between him and the beast, I dropped my gear, rolled up my sleeves, put my fists up and issued a challenge: “If you want that dinosaur, you will have to get through me first!” Seeing that he had no choice but to deal with me, Stubbingwicke dropped his weapons, uttered some more blasphemies, and came at me with his fists. As I engaged him in fisticuffs, I called out to Johnny to take the camera and hurry down the path to get a photo, which the now-panicked guide nevertheless did.

Like most Atheists, Stubbingwicke was all tough talk, but deep inside he was weak since he did not have the Love of Christ to succor him and give him strength. His cynicism and disbelief proved no match for my Faith and I eventually had him on the defensive. As my fists found their mark as if by Divine guidance, he finally fell to the ground on all fours, too tired and beaten to give any more fight. I stayed my fists and stood over his pathetic, subdued form. More curious than angry, I asked him what he hoped to accomplish by killing the Apatosaurus. His reply, snarled from a bleeding cut lip, was as shocking as it was plausible, and I can still remember it verbatim:

“Do you seriously believe that we don’t already know about these dinosaurs? Why do you think I agreed to come along on this little Christian adventure of yours? To make sure you don’t get what you came for, that’s why!”

Stubbingwicke was an Evolutionist! What’s more, he was involved in a conspiracy to stymie our attempt to uncover evidence that would vindicate Creation Science. But who exactly was he working for? The NCSE? The Smithsonian? The American Atheists? The usual suspects fluttered through my mind like bitter, God-less butterflies as I reeled from this revelation. But I was soon brought back to the moment by a scream from down the trail. It was Johnny. Glancing between Stubbingwicke and the dark trail below, I realized I had to leave my foe there and go to Johnny’s aid.

I hope I never get in a fight. Apparently, we atheists are pussies.

I hate people like this. If you’re going to be religious, fine. But to lie and deceive to achieve converts and to fool your own flock is beyond reprehensible. These people are criminals, taking money and hope from gullible people. I think it’s a fitting denouement that after their incredible African adventure and the author’s thrashing of the cantankerous atheist, that this is all the photographic evidence they can muster:

I feel dirty after reading the Objective: Ministries site.

It seems odd to me that god would give men nipples. With the exception of the rare case of typically fatal male breast cancer (thanks god!), nipples on men seem to have very little purpose.

Why then, would almighty god bestow the lesser sex with man-teets? I think the answer is simple: I have no idea.

Some other things that occur to me while reading Genesis (and yes, I know that literally bajillions of other jackasses like myself have already talked about these):

• Is a painless cesarean section against god’s will, since he says that women shall experience pain during childbirth?
• God created Adam out of nothing; what’s with the big to-do of putting Adam in a deep sleep, surgically removing a rib, and then sewing him back up to create Eve? Seems a bit dramatic. I wonder if God left any surgical sponges inside of Adam’s chest cavity?
• How were there evenings and mornings before the sun and moon were created? Before you can say that morning/evening were figurative, let me say this: “banana”. That, and this other thing too: in this case, the Hebrew word used here for evening literally means dusk/sunset. So…it’s not figurative.
• Did Jesus really ride around on dinosaurs, as my authentic Associated Press photograph demonstrates?
• God says that every fruit is for food (v28); have you ever tried papaya? That damned fruit tastes like poop. And not the “good” kind of poop, but the bad, “I’d prefer if you didn’t crap on my face after I pass out from drinking too much, Brandon” kind of poop.
• Why would god create only two people and not just, you know, everyone? Seems more efficient to just create everyone up front and get it all over with. That’s how the Japanese would do it.
• The flood story says that god killed every living thing. How did the dove find a fresh olive branch to bring back after the flood? He must have found an…Olive Garden! (ed.’s note: oh no he did-int!)
• Afterwards, Noah kills off a bunch of the animals he took on the ark as sacrifices. I love the fact that “the Lord smelled a soothing aroma”. Sounds like Bruce (the nickname I think god would give himself) is a Carl’s Jr. kind of guy. I wonder if he liked the Paris Hilton commercial?

I love the book of Genesis. In about 8 seconds I’m going to post a new page about all the fun I have with it. For the next 7 seconds, though, i need to go argue with my bff about whether Jack and Kate were in a flash back, or a flash forward.

A friend of a friend died this past weekend at the age of 21. I learned this via myspace. It’s weird to see death in such an environment, because for most of us it’s an occurrence very much removed from our daily existence. It’s even stranger when I look at the kid’s page and it says he logged in Friday, the day before he died. A bright, smiling photo still sits on the profile page. And there it will sit as a silent and perpetual obituary until myspace takes it down.

Death is such an odd thing in the digital age….

If you haven’t heard of it before, check out mydeathspace.com. It’s an amazingly difficult, yet compelling study of what life and death in the 21st-century looks like.

Scenario 1: I’m in southern California. My cousin is in northern Maine. I want to mail her a packet of poems I wrote in honor of Justin Timberlake. As of this week, it’ll cost me 41 cents. That’s 41 cents to go 3,500 miles.

Scenario 2: I’m in my living room. My brother is in the bathroom, painfully relieving his GI tract of tonight’s taco surprise. I want to text him a message making fun of his predicament. Depending on our relative data plans with our cell providers, it could cost up to 20 cents. 20 cents to send 6 words (”lol, u have teh explosive diarrhea”) of insignificant digital data over a gigantic digital network.

I could drive my 5,000 pound truck (editor’s note: holy crap!!) almost a twentieth of a mile on 20 cents, and Verizon/AT&T can’t push a bloody hundred or so bytes of data for less? I can send 53 stanzas of steamy JT love 3,500 miles for 41 cents, but it costs me half that to send 6 virtual words a few feet?

That, my friends, is what we in the Channukah music box industry call a “scam”. Or, what my friends in the Churro industry more appropriately call the ol’ “Irish McSwindle.”

So I’m filling up my ‘73 Pinto at some low-quality gas station when lo(!), I look up and see this Shell sign staring back at me. You can’t see it very well in this photo, but the guy on the left is holding up an engine part damaged by “low-quality gasoline”, while the creepy child molester guy on the right is holding up a pristine child penis version of the same part. I kind of chuckled, because this is my kind of advertising: making fun of poor people who can’t afford good gasoline.

Did I say that out loud? What I meant to say was, I think it’s funny that they would put a big “F-you” billboard next door to another business. It’s like if Knott’s Berry Farm flew a blimp over Disneyland with a banner saying something like “Mickey touches your children inappropriately on the Haunted Mansion”. There’s nothing Disneyland can do except shake it’s fist at the blimp.

Either way, it’s kind of shady and not quite being a good neighbor, but it cracked me and Jesus up, and that’s all that counts: learning a valuable lesson about friendship at summer camp.

My whole life I’ve been in favor of the death penalty. It seemed like a relatively simple equation: my ugly neighbor touches my Eggo brand waffles, and I say “leggo my Eggos”. He doesn’t, so I kill him. Wait. No, I don’t think that’s what I meant.

I think what I meant to say was that I’ve always believed that there are some things worth dieing for, and those things are generally worth killing for as well. An easy example is fighting off someone who is trying to kill your child. It would be a moral thing to harm the attacker in the interests of saving your child’s life. If the attacker were able to kill him or her, it seemed similarly moral to take their own life from them. They have taken the most important thing your child had, so we’ll take what’s most valuable to them.

That’s all fine and dandy in a direct cause and effect setting. However, I saw a quote from a prominent “new” atheist today that more or less stated that some religious ideologues are so dangerous that it would be in the interests of society to kill them. I don’t know what it was about today or that quote, but that single idea gave me some trouble.

In an article that I haven’t published here yet, I argue (as others before me have) that human free will is an illusion. There are so many subliminal processes and pathways that control our every move and thought that free will really is a figment of a constantly surprised consciousness (more on what I mean some other time). Basically, we are biological computers that happen to know we’re computers.

If we’re computers, it seems somewhat immoral to simply snuff out the life of one because of the potential danger their organic programming poses to everyone else. If we don’t, however, it’s possible that their “virus” will spread beyond themselves and infect numerous other people. The more people have the dangerous programming, the more likely they are to harm you or I. Put in those terms, it makes a lot of sense in a Machiavellian way to bump off the source of the virus before it can spread. That’s pretty scary to me though. What if society decides that I’m suddenly a virus and decides to kill me even if I’ve never done physical harm to someone? Wouldn’t it be a lot nicer to try and re-program me in the image of society?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Some of our human brethren are so broken that I doubt they can ever be capable of living peacefully with everyone else. The human mind is an amazing organ, but once corrupted, it is incredibly difficult to get it back. So the question becomes, do we tolerate the worst of our kind, or do we perform an abortion on the universe and get rid of them before they can really do some damage?

From a theoretical perspective, I’m in favor of the abortion. From a more pragmatic standpoint though, it’s a damn scary thought. If the guy does some physical harm to someone, it’s much more black and white to me. Once you get into thoughtcrime though, I think I have to bow out.

Nevertheless, let this be a lesson: always use a condom. Not only does it prevent an abortion in my dumb, figurative sense, but it saves us from having more idiots in the literal sense. That, and it means fewer ginger kids trying to get their soulless hands on my Eggo.

According to this link, a woman was arrested in Brownsville (no idea which state) for posing nude with some children and taking a photo of it (indecent exposure). The article is fairly vague on what was actually in the photos, but she was being held on $45,000 bond.

If in fact the woman was being indecent and is doing something like flashing the kids, I suppose there’s no story for the most part. Society generally regards this as a bad thing, given children’s inability to understand the rationale for exhibitionism. Even so, I might argue that it’s far more evil to take the same kids to see a horribly depraved Rated-R movie like Saw than it is have a woman show them the bits that every woman has. If we do the first, however, we’re just average Americans. Do the second, and you go to jail.

If the woman was just hanging out naked with her own kids, or the kids of someone who consented, this is completely retarded. There should be no excuse required for simply being nude around children or other adults. You do something to harm the children, like force them into sexuality before they’re consenting adults, and it’s a different story. May you get all the bad things our legal system can throw at you. If however, the nudity is simply nudity, then tell your neighbors and your dumb Wal-Mart employees to get over themselves. The human body is a far better thing to appreciate in all its forms than violence is. And yet, Americans insist on glorifying the latter.

I started this post with a lot more focus, but the Sopranos came on and now I can’t concentrate. Here’s the deal though: nudity is not bad. Get over it, America.

Originally, Ikea was my arch nemesis, and then Best Buy was my new arch nemesis, but today Newport Cigarettes company has become my new new arch nemesis.

Seriously, do I need to explain why?

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