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I swear to allah, by the amount of religious vitriol pouring out against gay marriage in California you would think gays were going around legally punching little kids in the face and then sodomizing them for good measure, all to spite Jesus and his Jesus-loving dinosaurs.

I don’t know that I would put the fight for gay marriage on the same level as I would black civil rights from a generation ago, but the comparison between the two is obvious, if for nothing else than the raw hate that some people are putting forth. I’m reminded of a section in To Kill a Mockingbird where young Scout wonders how her teacher can cry over the persecution of the Jews by Hitler, and yet get frothing-at-the-mouth mad when a black person asks for a little more out of life beyond a crappy shack and second-rate food for their kids. I know very few Christians who are this way about gay marriage, but the protesters I’ve heard are not sad for these gays; they’re out there to settle a score that comes from a place of pure hate. Rather than cry for their souls, you can tell they get cruel satisfaction from shouting “you’ll burn in hell” at people. This is not unlike the visceral hate blacks put up with during the civil rights movement (and still put up with in many parts of the US). It is not Christian love; it is malice, pure and simple. It was for blacks, and it is for gays.

It seems to me that if god exists, he can probably take care of himself. He doesn’t need John Q. Redneck painting up some glitter signs and standing outside a courthouse making gays feel like physical harm is coming their way. Do they really think Jesus is standing up in Heaven saying things like “hell yeah, did you see Steve sucker punch that stupid fag in the face when he wasn’t looking? Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to tie some gay kid to a fence and just beat the crap out of him.”

Seriously people, god can take care of himself. If gay people want to get married and suffer a life of monotonous monogamy and tax liabilities, how does it really affect you? If god rains vengeance upon the US and you and your family die as a result, aren’t you on your way to Heaven anyways? I honestly don’t see how you lose in this deal, so stop acting like someone has insulted you personally for a minute, and learn some of the humility Jesus wanted you to have. Let god be insulted if god wants to be insulted. He created the universe; I’m sure he can deal with a little buttsecks.

P.S. Dear gay men: I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but I would encourage you to put away the hot pants and the glitter and the makeup and the fairy-ass rainbow floats and parades until after the vote in November. It’s your right to do this if you want, but I honestly believe if most gay men acted like straight men you wouldn’t be in this mess. That is, it’s not homosexuality per se that people are reacting to, it’s the fact that you have so blown up what it is to be an American man that really rubs people the wrong way. I could be wrong, but having lathered up men in leather dancing around in public probably won’t help the amendment vote.

As I was walking into Target—or, as I like to call it: the thinking man’s Kmart—this morning to buy some quality Tupperware, I noticed a table and tent setup outside with a large “Register to Vote” sign. There was another, smaller sign taped to the table that I couldn’t read because someone was standing in front of it. I made a mental note to stop by the table on my way out, as I probably needed to re-register as a legitimate voter this year.

After stumbling around the store for a little while, I headed back outside, cheerfully thinking of all the voting I could do once I got myself on the winning team. A vote here, a vote there, there was no election I wouldn’t be ready for! Watch out, Washington fat cats!

To my great surprise, the sign that I had been unable to read was now visible and said “Keep marriage between a man and a woman”. So that was their secret! They had someone stand in front of the sign to try and hide their craziness from me! They might as well have put up a sign that said “vote Republican or we’ll punch your mom in the nuts”. I don’t know about you, but I hate it when people punch my mom’s nuts.

I made a mental note not to go to Target in Yorba Linda in the future, and went on my merry way. As I drove, however, I began to ponder the brazenness of that sign. Despite being an atheist, I’ll admit that for a while I had trouble accepting the idea of gay marriage. This was a remnant of my many years as a Christian, and I eventually overcame this prejudice. That makes it all the more apparent to me when I witness it now.

In the modern US, there really are only two kinds of prejudices allowed anymore. The first is prejudice against fat people. How many times do you hear an insult prefixed with “big fat” or “hey lardo” or “hey fat tits, your fat man tits are getting sweat all over my baby”? In all seriousness, fat people pretty much get the shaft in our society, as I think there’s an inherent belief that people who are overweight are somehow more stupid, unable to control themselves, or are more unsightly to look at.

The second kind of prejudice is against gays. Lesbians generally get a pass because straight Christian man don’t have to worry about random lesbians putting a penis in their butts. Gay men, what with their random penis attacks and all, generally get even more of a shaft than fat people (ba-zing!). Even people who are otherwise liberal will often feel some kind of hesitancy about granting ‘mos full rights; how else do you explain surveys that frequently show a majority of people in favor of keeping marriage between a man and woman?

Can you imagine if that same tent had a sign saying something like “Keep the chinks out of our schools”, or “Stop Interracial Marriage Now”? The people in the tent would be ridiculed, if not immediately bested in a round of fisticuffs. Instead, this kind of anti-gay crap actually gets people to come over and register!!

Now, I understand why these people do this. They feel they have a mandate from the big gay hater in the sky, which I suppose is a perfectly rational conclusion if you accept the premise of a big gay hater in the sky. This in turn got me to thinking about the idea of “harming” god. I don’t mean harm as in punching him in the nuts, but I mean harm as in causing some kind of distress or insult to.

If god commands us to prevent homosexuality and to punish those who practice it, it must offend him in some way. That is, it causes some kind of emotional deficit in him that needs to be corrected vis-a-vis punishment of gays. It seems to me that being perfect and able to be insulted are contradictions in terms. If god is perfect, he cannot be insulted, as this would imply that he can suffer some kind of short term imbalance. On the other hand, if the actions of mankind can upset him it means god is less than perfect, as mankind is able to directly influence his emotions and mood, giving them power over him.

If Christians (or Muslims or whoever) want to admit that their god is less than perfect, cool. A non-perfect god could possibly have irrational prejudices. If they want to admit that god is perfect, so therefore homosexuality doesn’t bother him, that’s cool too. A perfect god would be above insult. I just have a problem with them believing that they can have their penis, and eat it too. It’s a contradiction in terms.

If god really does get offended by gays, it makes him a whiny bitch, as it makes no sense whatsoever that such a trifling action should throw the all-mighty creator of the universe off balance. If a little prostate stimulation is all it takes to get god in a tizzy, Vishnu help us if he finds out about furry fetishes.