FIREBLIND.COM

So I went to Arby’s yesterday for lunch. Or maybe it was Monday. Either way, it doesn’t matter, unless you’re the investigator for my fraudulent back injury claim. If you are the investigator, I went to Arby’s Monday, when I could still walk. If you’re everyone else, I probably went there Tuesday.

But I digress….

Whilst at Arby’s I ordered a roast beef combo. The barely understandable gentleman behind the counter asked me if I wanted curly fries or potato cakes. When I said “just regular fries”, he said “no more regular fries”. I tried to ask him if this was permanent, but he wasn’t able to understand the question. So I grudgingly ordered curly fries and choked them down, thinking longingly of the days me and Regular Fries shared together.

I didn’t find anything on the intertubes about Arby’s getting rid of its regular fries, so maybe this was just a fluke. If it wasn’t, I’ve got to say that this is quite possibly the most outrageous thing I have ever heard in my 48 years of being a food columnist for fireblind.com. How can a company stop offering regular fries? Regular fries are to Americans what STDs are to Paris Hilton: they just go together. Getting rid of regular fries is what communists would do. Do you hear me? Communists! Arby’s might as well fly Vladimir Lenin’s body to headquarters and make him their Chief bloody Executive bloody Officer (bloody).

Now, a saner person might just say that the newly arrived Mexican immigrant employee did a poor job of explaining that they were out of regular fries for the day, but I prefer to think that Arby’s wants to take over the United States and kill your children. Oh, and I heard that they want to give free abortions to school children AND that they want to take god out of the schools. Freaking communists; they’re always trying to gank my stash.