FIREBLIND.COM

It seems odd to me that god would give men nipples. With the exception of the rare case of typically fatal male breast cancer (thanks god!), nipples on men seem to have very little purpose.

Why then, would almighty god bestow the lesser sex with man-teets? I think the answer is simple: I have no idea.

Some other things that occur to me while reading Genesis (and yes, I know that literally bajillions of other jackasses like myself have already talked about these):

• Is a painless cesarean section against god’s will, since he says that women shall experience pain during childbirth?
• God created Adam out of nothing; what’s with the big to-do of putting Adam in a deep sleep, surgically removing a rib, and then sewing him back up to create Eve? Seems a bit dramatic. I wonder if God left any surgical sponges inside of Adam’s chest cavity?
• How were there evenings and mornings before the sun and moon were created? Before you can say that morning/evening were figurative, let me say this: “banana”. That, and this other thing too: in this case, the Hebrew word used here for evening literally means dusk/sunset. So…it’s not figurative.
• Did Jesus really ride around on dinosaurs, as my authentic Associated Press photograph demonstrates?
• God says that every fruit is for food (v28); have you ever tried papaya? That damned fruit tastes like poop. And not the “good” kind of poop, but the bad, “I’d prefer if you didn’t crap on my face after I pass out from drinking too much, Brandon” kind of poop.
• Why would god create only two people and not just, you know, everyone? Seems more efficient to just create everyone up front and get it all over with. That’s how the Japanese would do it.
• The flood story says that god killed every living thing. How did the dove find a fresh olive branch to bring back after the flood? He must have found an…Olive Garden! (ed.’s note: oh no he did-int!)
• Afterwards, Noah kills off a bunch of the animals he took on the ark as sacrifices. I love the fact that “the Lord smelled a soothing aroma”. Sounds like Bruce (the nickname I think god would give himself) is a Carl’s Jr. kind of guy. I wonder if he liked the Paris Hilton commercial?

I love the book of Genesis. In about 8 seconds I’m going to post a new page about all the fun I have with it. For the next 7 seconds, though, i need to go argue with my bff about whether Jack and Kate were in a flash back, or a flash forward.