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So I’m back from my lengthy mission trip in Colorado Springs…or something…and thought I’d write again about abortion and the problems it creates for Protestantism.

Today I upset my dad in an e-mail, apparently because he thought I was starting to come a little unhinged (like my brother) with respect to politics. My dad is a dyed in the wool Christian Republican with an occasional independent streak. Well, I said something that made him upset, and before long I was a “people like you” and not someone who was inside his testicles at one point.

As he excoriated me for this and that, he ended up suggesting that California is being judged for various reasons, including the MURDER of millions of babies (emphasis his). Which brings me back to my point I wrote somewhere else here, a link to which I won’t provide because I’m in a sling right now and it hurts to type, so you can look it up yourself.

Anyways, I think my earlier point was this: no one seems to lose with abortion in the Protestant worldview. The fetus gets a free ride to Heaven, and the person doing the aborting gets to ask for forgiveness and go to Heaven. Had the child lived to the age of accountability, it’s more than likely that he or she would have gone to Hell and not Heaven. So, if anything, abortion is doing that kid a favor. It has guaranteed him eternity in Paradise, whereas a live birth would have virtually guaranteed an eternity in torment. In other words, the Protestant stand on abortion is dumb, and the paradox seems to be lost on them. They should be grateful for abortion, because it is the single best outcome for a soul.

This of course, leads us to a larger discussion about how creation itself is dumb, and how it demonstrates that either god is not all powerful, or we don’t have free will, in which case god’s a dick for sending me to hell. Follow me here:

• My parents knock it out of their own free will, conceiving me. This forces god to cook up a soul, perhaps against his will. I mean, are there any kids born without souls? God seems to have no choice in the matter, which means he’s our slave. A slave to my mad skills with the women! (In fact, by allowing my hundreds of conquests to bear children, you could even argue that he’s complicit in sending my handsome offspring to Hell some day!)
• Or, my parents knock it out because god made them, in which case they didn’t have free will to conceive me.
• Rather than let me get straight into Heaven by killing me in the womb, my parents birth me.
• Or, god prevents my parents from doing the sensible thing and aborting me, denying them free will and a life full of ample disposable income.
• I’m born a Christian, and live to the age of accountability, where god throws a series of tests at me and allows the devil to tempt me through some unknown mechanism. I become an atheist, and die while watching the Jeffersons. I go to Hell, because I’m so powerful that I was able to manipulate god’s emotions, making him angry enough to sentence me to Hell forever, rather than just a little while.
• Or, I’m born a Christian, and because god decides he doesn’t want my soul in Heaven because he’s already got enough of whatever I am, he makes me into an atheist, and then makes me watch the Jeffersons. Oh, and then send me to Hell when I die.

This basically demonstrates the absurdity of the birth/soul contract. If the point of this life is Heaven, why the intermediate step of this life in the first place and not just an immediate creation in Heaven? If god is perfect and wants for nothing, why create a universe? If the point of this universe is a place to host mankind, why have different planets and stars with all different compositions that mankind will never touch or see? And then why populate only a teeny, tiny fraction of all of this with beings that he knew would screw up? And then why allow these screwed up beings to continue to procreate, forcing him to create new souls that he gets to chuck into Hell most of the time? And if they can get a free ride to Heaven by dying as kids, why not just prevent the conception and put the kid straight into Heaven, instead of letting a mother shove a hanger up herself?

He could have stopped all this Hell-chucking a long time ago by simply moving up the Apocalypse a little sooner. Had it been 1,000 years ago, for example, billions of people would not be in Hell right now. But for some cruel reason, god went ahead and let them continue to slide out of their moms’ heathen vaginae on their way to an all-but-guaranteed trip to Hell. Did he not get the point that a kid born in Saudi Arabia 100 years ago probably wasn’t going to turn out Christian? Or were the first 10 million Saudi Arabian people thrown into Hell not enough proof of what every retarded freshman sociology major can figure out on his own: that the next Saudi Arabian was probably going to be Muslim, and probably not vote Christian?

Some will say he couldn’t move everything up, because he has a plan. This is nonsense of course, because what happens in the space of 1,000 years here on earth will have absolutely no relevance 100 billion years from now while Christians are floating around in space near the right-hand of god doing who knows what. It will, however, have relevance for the billions of people that could not be in hell right now, but which are, because of god’s dumb plan that he could have bumped up a little. Maybe he was busy with a tee time and couldn’t be bothered to move up End Times, seeing as how an eternity of fire and brimstone for countless people really isn’t all that big a deal after all.

So to recap, if I had died in the womb, I would have been guaranteed a trip to Heaven. Or, had god moved up the Apocalypse, I would at least never have existed, and would not have to go to Hell some day because the devil, which god allows to tempt me, did the job that god won’t stop him from doing.

Thanks Christianity, for that brilliant theology you’ve got there.