FIREBLIND.COM

Ok. Now, i know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “no way is he going to write a blog about sex with animals and how it’s kinda sorta ok”. You’d be wrong though, because I am. Before you go back to watching Malcolm in the Middle or whatever other dumb show you’ve got on, hear me out for a second.

I was reading a story about a guy who pleaded guilty—for the second time—to having sex with a female dog. The lawyers in the case were deciding whether to charge him with a sex crime and put him on the sex offender registry.

To put it simply, I hate the sex offender registry in this country. Actually, a better way to say it is that the sex offender registry idea has merit, but the way in which it has come to include nearly every possible crime there is is beyond stupid. In some states, you can be charged as a sex offender and forced to be on the registry for life because your drunken ass really had to pee after a party and an alley was the only place to go. Nevermind that your willy was nowhere near another human being, you’re somehow a sicko who can no longer live near schools or playgrounds.

Our society has decided that sex crimes are worthy of special infamy, and I’m cool with that. Molesting kids is possibly the best way to ensure that their life is one of misery and confusion. Do something worse to a kid beyond simple molestation and you’ve basically guaranteed that that kid will suffer every day of their life. Sex offender registry. Done. Make the bastard have the worst life possible.

Another story I read the other day was about a female teacher or school coach or administrator or something who was accused or found guilty of having sex with a male student who was 17 years and like 361 days old. Four more days and he’d have been 18. Guess what? That female is now on or bound for the sex offender registry, which is ridiculous. There should be some bloody common sense in the system. Maybe you put her away for a little while for abusing her position of authority. But in no way does having sex with someone who is 4 days shy of an arbitrary “legalizing” birthday merit lifelong stigma and punishment. It’s insane.

Anyways, back to the guy and the dog. You know, maybe the guy has some screws loose if he feels the need to give his dog the ol’ heave-ho. I’m not a trained psychologist, but I would bet good money that a paraphilia like bestiality has little to no relationship to sexual aggression towards humans (children or otherwise). People who are into things like scat and whatnot don’t get put on the sex offender list, and that’s about as screwed up a fetish as you can get.

Here’s what I find particularly ridiculous about our society. Let’s say that you and that female dog were in like a warehouse, and an earthquake knocked it down. You two are trapped in it, and rescuers are having trouble locating the two of you. After like a week, you could reach over with your knife and slit the dog’s bloody throat, consume its raw flesh, and when they dig you out, it wouldn’t count against you. You just murdered your dog and ATE it, and more than likely, that would just make your ordeal sound that much more harrowing and add to your heroic triumph over adversity. But, if you get a little lonely while you’re buried and decide to try and make puppies, when they dig you out you’re f’ed for life.

We kill, murder, and otherwise slaughter millions of animals every day, and that’s totally cool. We take their bloody lives in inhumane and cruel ways and it’s looked at as another 9-to-5. But, the second you let your male dog try the ol’ donkey punch on you you’re completely hosed.

Now, I’m not saying that you should give in to those come hither glances your golden retriever is always giving you. I’m just saying that this world would be a better place if we used some common sense every once in a while. Maybe let the dog guy talk to a counselor. The teacher with the 17.96-year-old student? Maybe she abused her authority, but given my 12 years’ experience as a teenage boy, I’m pretty certain that kid had an erection when they were having intercourse.

Seriously people. If you want a sex offender registry, go nuts. But, if you’re going to destroy the rest of a person’s life in putting them on it, just consider whether they really need to be there or whether some other solution would work better.