FIREBLIND.COM

An old friend of mine sent me an e-mail the other day, and as he does each time we talk, he reminded me that god still loves me. We hadn’t talked in a while, so I told him that I was increasingly more happy with my choice to reject Christianity as time went on. As you can imagine, this isn’t exactly ideal news to someone worried about your eternal soul.

Since moving past Christianity, I’ve actually studied the religion and its holy book far more in depth than I did when I was a believer. When one studies how Christianity and the Bible developed in the first centuries following the death of Jesus, it becomes increasingly obvious just how much a work of mankind the Bible really is. Thus, when i read the Bible as a work of man, I’m actually pretty impressed with it. It’s an amazing work of human ingenuity and imagination, and a historian like me finds a wealth of information on how ancient cultures lived and related to one another.

On the other hand, when I read the Bible as though it’s supposed to be the word of god, I find it so stupid as to be ridiculous. This person called god is the most amazing being to have ever existed, and yet he’s obsessed to the point of murder over the most retarded and inane minutia of human existence. Every time I read the Bible, I’m glad that I left it all behind.

To help illustrate my point about how ridiculous it all is, I’ve decided to write a little play about Deuteronomy 22:11. In this verse, god commands the Israelites not to wear garments made of both linen and wool.

The part of god will be played by me, Tom Selleck, and the part of Gabriel the angel will be played by you.

Scene opens. God is sitting on a sofa, eating a bag of Doritos. Gabriel enters from stage right.

Gabriel: Hey God, what’s up?
God: Oh, not much. Just chillin’.

God crunches loudly on a single Dorito.

Gabriel: You know, I was just thinking God; remember the time you invented space-time? Remember how there was nothing, and then you, the most powerful and rational being ever, simply thought it into existence? I mean, this is even before the planets, which are totally easy for you. But seriously, inventing the very fabric of space-time? That was pretty cool.

God smiles and blushes a little.

God: Yeah, I guess that was pretty cool.

Gabriel, excitedly: Or, remember how humans weren’t around yet, and so you took dirt from the earth and made DNA out of it? Freaking DNA! You took dirt and made a DNA chain for Adam that was like, what, 4 billion molecule pairs long? I gotta give it to you God, you’re pretty rad.
God: Thanks Gabriel. You’re pretty alright yourself.

God and Gabriel go quiet for a moment, considering how rad God is. God puts a Dorito in his mouth and chews it loudly. Gabriel smiles, thinking about something else totally rad that God did. God puts another Dorito in his mouth and looks slightly up, as if looking off in the distance. All of a sudden, he throws his bag of Doritos down and stands up excitedly, pointing.

God: Holy shit Gabriel. Holy SHIT. That man has just made a shirt of both linen and wool. Together!

God paces quickly back and forth as he mutters “holy shit holy shit holy shit”. He appears to be thinking. Gabriel looks worried, in stark disbelief that a man made a shirt of linen and wool. God stops and looks determinedly at Gabriel.

God: Gabriel, I want you to take 50 of your best invisible angels and go down to earth. You’re going to have to do battle with like, 70 of Satan’s invisible demons who are obviously taking over this man’s very soul. Fight them, and make me-damned sure that you don’t leave any of those me-damned demons standing. I want the oceans to run red with their invisible demon blood! Now GO!

Gabriel quickly assembles the best 50 invisible angels he can find, including Esteban, the Latin angel with the sexy accent that all the invisible girl angels would totally die for if they knew they were girls and liked boys.

God sits down on the sofa again, elbows on his knees and his hands holding his head. He worriedly strokes his long hair.

God, very quietly: How could it have come to this? How could I possibly have let someone make a shirt out of both linen and wool? I mean, I created a hundred billion stars with the sweep of my very hand. I wished bloody gravity into existence. And yet, I can’t keep someone from making a shirt out of linen and wool together? Oh, whoa is me. They’ll take away my god card for sure. I’m ruined. Ruined!!!

God continues to fidget nervously with his hair. He considers eating another Dorito, but decides that he’s sick to his invisible God stomach over the invisible battle going on on Earth right that very moment. As the curtain closes, God wipes away a single small tear, not so much for the soul of the guy with the shirt made of wool and linen, but because he could have had it all, including Stacy and the new Camaro. He might have even been captain of the track and field team. He’s not sure what will become of him now.

-Fin-

Link of the day: The Old Testament test for female adultery was forcing her to drink dirt water. If she got sick, she was obviously an adulterer. Kind of reminds me of the Monty Python witch test.