Robin Hood Would Use His Blinker
When it comes to driving, I like to think of myself as a modern-day Robin Hood. But, instead of robbing from the rich to give to the poor, I like to frighten and/or piss off bad and dangerous drivers. And instead of swords and arrows, I do things like run people into curbs or speed up so they can’t pass. So really, there’s very little difference between me and Robin Hood.
So, while I sit and rock the day away in my nursing home, I thought I’d relate some of my happier moments extracting justice from the juicy flesh of our transit system.
The other day, this guy in a dairy truck made a right turn in front of me. As in, he had a red, I had a green, and he made a right into my lane from where he was stopped. He kept going, so I kept going, planning on getting as close as I could to him without hitting him, so that he would be scared and wouldn’t do this to other people in the future. He finally realized what he had done and tried to kind of pull over and out of the way. He also gave me a sheepish wave. Poor guy. Because of this human act of waving, it wasn’t quite as funny when he drove his dairy truck into the curb (see figure 19a). It was still funny though. I stopped and let him go, just like Robin Hood would pat the bumbling rich guy on his rear and send him on his way after relieving him of his gold bag. That’s the kind of guy I am.
Figure 19a
Near the college I attended, there’s a place where people making a right are supposed to yield to cars who have been given the green arrow for a left. Even though they have a yield sign, the right-turners seldom yielded. To the right of their lane was a dirt/grass field (see figure 11f). If I had the green arrow and people wouldn’t slow down, I heroically avoided pressing my brakes until I was right on their asses, again trying to teach them a valuable lesson about playing nice on the roads. One time, someone freaked out and steared hard to the right and actually drove into the dirt field. I kind of felt bad about that one for a second, but I forced myself to think of the good that I had done: that person probably would never do that action again. I saved people from a future collision because of my selfless acts! It’s kind of like when Robin Hood would force a rich guy’s carriage into the river when he wouldn’t slow down. The rich guy would pop up from the water unharmed, and comically spit a fish out of his mouth.
Figure 11f
Finally, I LOVE to piss off dangerous drivers on the freeway, although I’m probably making things more dangerous by doing so. When I see them in my rear view mirror going all crazy and I know they’re going to try and pass me, I speed up or slow down to prevent them from doing so. I can practically hear them cursing me for making them late to their friend’s XBox 360 pizza and slumber party. I get a lot of joy out of ruining people’s days in this way.
Yeah, I’m pretty much a modern day hero. That, and a jerk.
